I feel like a stranger. And I can’t quite fit into the same place I used to. Friends…family…work…church. It’s nothing like it was before.
Wrecked.
And I can feel a struggle fighting to get to the surface to win, but I can’t let it. Because that struggle is the part of me that wants to un-do what’s been done.
Sometimes I know I’m victimizing myself. Pretending that I'm someone I'm not. I’m struggling with being judgemental and self-righteaous.
Oh Lord? Who am I?
I thought I had it figured out. I’d thought that I’d come back and tell stories and everything would just be…fine. But…I came back, and found myself lost. Feeling alone once again. Questioning my purpose here…flashbacks that make me want to sit down and cry. Moments when I just want to shake someone and scream some sense into them. How is it that while the world is torn to pieces for one, it is unchanging for the other? Everything seems to serve as a reminder. Pillows remind me of not having them. Every morning I wake up and look around my room and I’m sickened by myself and my hypocritical lifestyle. I wonder about the kids…I sometimes add 8hrs to the time here and try to think about what they’re up to right now. Showers are still kind of a shock...hot water AND water pressure??? What IS this? :) The incredible water pressure at the sink in the kitchen. In all seriousness...things are just crazy. Everything...things that really don't have ANY resemblance to life in Africa somehow remind me and I just freeze up.
Ha. I don’t even know what to write, really. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe I should be speechless. Because words fail to describe anything. I’m glad. You saw everything Lord. I’m so thankful that you were there with us.
