Being back.
Hmm. How can I put it?
I'm here, but I'm not, at the same time. Something I didn't think was possible. The things that I used to worry about aren't even on my mind half the time anymore. Instead...I find myself figuring out what time it is in Nsoko, wondering what the kids are doing today...wondering how the kids are doing today. Are they sick? Are they still going to school? Do they remember us? Do they miss us? Have they forgotten?
Because I haven't. I can't.
I've told people that this past summer was life changing. But that doesn't really explain it very accurately. No, my life was demolished. Emptied and filled, simultaneously. I remember very clearly who I used to be, but I can't be that person anymore. What I've seen has changed not only my heart...but its changed my mind. My vision.
It's kind of lonely, you know? Trying to make sense of it all to people who didn't witness the things I did...that day of worship at Pauline's; tire boy; Dudu's smile. Pictures don't do justice, stories can be told, but if action doesn't happen, what do we have? Memories? Recollections?
I hope we have more than that.
We have an obligation to the rest of the world, to at least listen. To hear them. If we listen, and hear the voices, and really hear the voices, we will have to act, respond. Because how could anyone ignore the beautiful voices of so many?
We can do something. People say that we can't...they tell me that the problem is too big...but that's not the real problem. The real problem is that our hearts, our love and kindness and mercy and compassion is too small. The real problem is that our selfishness is thriving abundantly among us, and we are in short supply of selfless love. We are, quite honestly, lazy.
I say 'we' because I am guilty as well. I know there are people, MANY people out there that have given everything they own for the sake of something greater - I've met a few who astound me. There are many people out there fighting, and it's not for personal gain from what I can tell...and I just think about how vastly different the world might look if there were more people like them in the world.
People who act on what they can...people not afraid to do everything in their power to love people into the Kingdom of Heaven. People not afraid to radiate and resemble Christ....people not afraid to die to themselves and live for One Reason.
Oh people. Do not be afraid.
8/17/09
8/8/09
July 29th began at 3am
There’s so much that’s confusing right now. So much I feel and don’t feel. Connected but…disconnected too. Here and not here. Did the last 2 months really happen? It all feels so strange.
Saying goodbye to my team is proving to be an overload…and I’m finding myself so detached. Wow, all this sounds so emo. Saying bye is hard, but I don’t think its hit me yet.
Today we ended up at a hotel by the airport, ended up taking a 3hr nap, which was NOT the plan. I hope I can sleep tonight.
We met with the other 2 month teams, and it was weird seeing them too, reminded me of training camp. People had scars and cuts and bug bites, messy hair (for the most part), and tired faces. Exhaustion. Some people are ready to leave their teams and return home. Its not hard to understand that. I can’t say I feel the same, because wow, I appreciate my team so much. Yes, there were frustrations, but those all seem to fade when I think about watching them serve in the field. Watching them wipe the tears from children’s faces, bandage burns and injuries…seeing them give their shoes to the child who has none…witnessing them quietly giving their food to the little ones who are so hungry. So yes, frustrations were there, as they were expected to be after 2 months of living together, but those fade in comparison to the way I saw my team become the hands and feet of Jesus.
As we’ve been slowly re-introduced to the American life of luxury, I’ve noticed something.
I don’t miss things as much as I thought I would. There isn’t a sigh of relief over a warm bed, pillows, ac or heat, no burden lifted in the heat of a shower or overwhelming joy in being clean. Why? All the things I “missed” and really learned to appreciate, they’re all just things. Isn’t it obcious? we don’t function off of our availability of things. Things break. they burn. They disentigrate. They lose their value. They eventually, inevitably, become worthless.
That’s why, now that I have free access to all those things, it doesn’t bring me relief or joy or peace. Yes, they are blessings and must be appreciated. But appreciation and fulfillment are 2 different things.
I can appreciate a car with enough room for me to have a seat without being filled with joy about it. I can appreciate my home without being driven by it. I can be thankful for the fast being over, but may have no motivation to jump back into what the Lord told me to give up. Because all these blessings, they all come from the Lord. He gives, in love and He takes, in love. We are blessed by an incredible God. He supplies everything. Its His timing that IS pure perfection; it is His mercy that brings peace to a hurting soul.
So I will choose to be thankful. I will choose to set money aside that I don’t need, to give. I will choose to be a servant. I will choose to honor God with my time, energy, and choices. I’m realizing what a choice we have – thankfulness or greed. Gratitude or self-entitlement. Life, or death.
This trip, I learned how to play Divine Romance. And this summer, I was romanced by God…like the kid mentioned at the hotel. Its such a weird way to think about it, I guess. But I understand it. It makes so much sense. Every star, sunrise, laugh, smile, odd “coincidence”, opportunity, and experience; every disaster that was strangely avoided, all of these – they are God’s way of directing us to Him. Each answered prayer, every hand I held, every story and all that we saw came because of God’s love for US. He loves us so greatly that He gives, and gives and gives – even the little things we never realize. He gives, and only sometimes gets the praise for it.
..........
Saying goodbye to my team is proving to be an overload…and I’m finding myself so detached. Wow, all this sounds so emo. Saying bye is hard, but I don’t think its hit me yet.
Today we ended up at a hotel by the airport, ended up taking a 3hr nap, which was NOT the plan. I hope I can sleep tonight.
We met with the other 2 month teams, and it was weird seeing them too, reminded me of training camp. People had scars and cuts and bug bites, messy hair (for the most part), and tired faces. Exhaustion. Some people are ready to leave their teams and return home. Its not hard to understand that. I can’t say I feel the same, because wow, I appreciate my team so much. Yes, there were frustrations, but those all seem to fade when I think about watching them serve in the field. Watching them wipe the tears from children’s faces, bandage burns and injuries…seeing them give their shoes to the child who has none…witnessing them quietly giving their food to the little ones who are so hungry. So yes, frustrations were there, as they were expected to be after 2 months of living together, but those fade in comparison to the way I saw my team become the hands and feet of Jesus.
As we’ve been slowly re-introduced to the American life of luxury, I’ve noticed something.
I don’t miss things as much as I thought I would. There isn’t a sigh of relief over a warm bed, pillows, ac or heat, no burden lifted in the heat of a shower or overwhelming joy in being clean. Why? All the things I “missed” and really learned to appreciate, they’re all just things. Isn’t it obcious? we don’t function off of our availability of things. Things break. they burn. They disentigrate. They lose their value. They eventually, inevitably, become worthless.
That’s why, now that I have free access to all those things, it doesn’t bring me relief or joy or peace. Yes, they are blessings and must be appreciated. But appreciation and fulfillment are 2 different things.
I can appreciate a car with enough room for me to have a seat without being filled with joy about it. I can appreciate my home without being driven by it. I can be thankful for the fast being over, but may have no motivation to jump back into what the Lord told me to give up. Because all these blessings, they all come from the Lord. He gives, in love and He takes, in love. We are blessed by an incredible God. He supplies everything. Its His timing that IS pure perfection; it is His mercy that brings peace to a hurting soul.
So I will choose to be thankful. I will choose to set money aside that I don’t need, to give. I will choose to be a servant. I will choose to honor God with my time, energy, and choices. I’m realizing what a choice we have – thankfulness or greed. Gratitude or self-entitlement. Life, or death.
This trip, I learned how to play Divine Romance. And this summer, I was romanced by God…like the kid mentioned at the hotel. Its such a weird way to think about it, I guess. But I understand it. It makes so much sense. Every star, sunrise, laugh, smile, odd “coincidence”, opportunity, and experience; every disaster that was strangely avoided, all of these – they are God’s way of directing us to Him. Each answered prayer, every hand I held, every story and all that we saw came because of God’s love for US. He loves us so greatly that He gives, and gives and gives – even the little things we never realize. He gives, and only sometimes gets the praise for it.
..........
March 8th, 2009
First off, I'm not going to be very popular for this one.
I know it.
But I'm writing it anyway.
You know how it is when something just keeps coming up and keeps coming up, and it's just relentless and up-front-in-your-face annoying? Something in the back of your mind, constantly, and you think about it all the time, that little voice? These are my thoughts, and they're not too organized but I need to get them written down somewhere.
The price that was paid for us; the price for which we were bought - the excruciating crucifixion of Jesus Christ (Isaiah 52:14) - shouldn't we be striving to glorify Him in everything we do? Think about it...Jesus knew He was going to die. And He knew it wouldn't be a quick death. He knew it'd be painful. He knew it'd be humiliating. He was sin-free, pure, blameless, but knew He'd take on the sin of the world. He knew it'd be torture. He knew He'd be betrayed by one of His disciples; one of His friends. He had the power to fly outta there, and still, STILL, Jesus put himself on the line. He still went through every painful, seemingly unfair moment, fulfilling years of prophecy in every step.
So, you tell me, friends. Our thoughts, words, actions, everything...should it be so hard for us to love Him with our lives? Every day, you make a choice - I make a choice. Live for something beyond myself, for something and Someone greater, or live for me.
We are called to be set apart, COMMANDED to not love things "of the world" (1 John 2:15, John 17:16). What does that mean, really? What can make us stand out? Think about it. What does "everyone else" do? What are the habits, the slip-ups, the tendencies that are the norms in the world?
Do you have a list in your mind?
I do.
How much should we have to do with those things? Is there an invisible line that we can't cross, and it'd be so WRONG to actually cross it - but we're totally fine with running right up to that line, trying to push it further and further so we can do more "stuff"? Are we trying to push that line so that we, Christians, can be "allowed" to do more? Secretly hoping that the legal age is lowered so we won't be breaking the law? We should want NOTHING to do with the things of the world, friends. Nothing. We shouldn't be focused on trying to find out just how much we can "get away with". We shouldn't spend our time testing our limits or looking for reasons to "make" something ok.
Sin is sin.
How bad does it break God's heart to see His children running around, looking for ways around His truth? He gave sooooo much for us...why is it so hard for us to love Him with our lives every day? If we truly love God, we won't touch the things that grieve His heart. We shouldn't pride ourselves in the whole "Well I don't do it THAT often" or "I don't say it THAT often" (1 timothy 4:12). We shouldn't even THINK about it.(Philippians 4:8-9). Period.
We rationalize. I do. I know I do. And I'm trying with everything in me to change that. I pray for conviction and a willingness to learn (Proverbs 12:1), I pray that God would take what I've made an "ok" habit and demolish it. I pray that He'll make me aware of what I've done. I pray the same for all of you. We all struggle with stuff. All of us... If its not one thing, its another.
If the Lord is love, and that love is unlike anything the world has ever seen, and Jesus lives in us, then we should be extraordinarily, supernaturally, loving the people around us. Our love, our LIFE, will not only read out differently, it'll flat out BE different. And people won't help but notice that difference (Matt. 5:14).
I want to be different. I want to stand out. I'm tired of blending in. I'm tired of thinking all the trivial stuff matters (2 Peter 3:11-12), and I'm done with living like it does. I'm sick of this rationalistic person I've become. God's changing me...and it hurts, it hurts more than I ever thought it would. But the One I gave my heart to hasn't let me go, and He's WORTH IT ALL. He's worth MY all. Every minute of every day.( 1 Corinth. 2:12, 10:31-33).
Wow. I can't wait for Heaven.
----1 thess. 4:17-18
I know it.
But I'm writing it anyway.
You know how it is when something just keeps coming up and keeps coming up, and it's just relentless and up-front-in-your-face annoying? Something in the back of your mind, constantly, and you think about it all the time, that little voice? These are my thoughts, and they're not too organized but I need to get them written down somewhere.
The price that was paid for us; the price for which we were bought - the excruciating crucifixion of Jesus Christ (Isaiah 52:14) - shouldn't we be striving to glorify Him in everything we do? Think about it...Jesus knew He was going to die. And He knew it wouldn't be a quick death. He knew it'd be painful. He knew it'd be humiliating. He was sin-free, pure, blameless, but knew He'd take on the sin of the world. He knew it'd be torture. He knew He'd be betrayed by one of His disciples; one of His friends. He had the power to fly outta there, and still, STILL, Jesus put himself on the line. He still went through every painful, seemingly unfair moment, fulfilling years of prophecy in every step.
So, you tell me, friends. Our thoughts, words, actions, everything...should it be so hard for us to love Him with our lives? Every day, you make a choice - I make a choice. Live for something beyond myself, for something and Someone greater, or live for me.
We are called to be set apart, COMMANDED to not love things "of the world" (1 John 2:15, John 17:16). What does that mean, really? What can make us stand out? Think about it. What does "everyone else" do? What are the habits, the slip-ups, the tendencies that are the norms in the world?
Do you have a list in your mind?
I do.
How much should we have to do with those things? Is there an invisible line that we can't cross, and it'd be so WRONG to actually cross it - but we're totally fine with running right up to that line, trying to push it further and further so we can do more "stuff"? Are we trying to push that line so that we, Christians, can be "allowed" to do more? Secretly hoping that the legal age is lowered so we won't be breaking the law? We should want NOTHING to do with the things of the world, friends. Nothing. We shouldn't be focused on trying to find out just how much we can "get away with". We shouldn't spend our time testing our limits or looking for reasons to "make" something ok.
Sin is sin.
How bad does it break God's heart to see His children running around, looking for ways around His truth? He gave sooooo much for us...why is it so hard for us to love Him with our lives every day? If we truly love God, we won't touch the things that grieve His heart. We shouldn't pride ourselves in the whole "Well I don't do it THAT often" or "I don't say it THAT often" (1 timothy 4:12). We shouldn't even THINK about it.(Philippians 4:8-9). Period.
We rationalize. I do. I know I do. And I'm trying with everything in me to change that. I pray for conviction and a willingness to learn (Proverbs 12:1), I pray that God would take what I've made an "ok" habit and demolish it. I pray that He'll make me aware of what I've done. I pray the same for all of you. We all struggle with stuff. All of us... If its not one thing, its another.
If the Lord is love, and that love is unlike anything the world has ever seen, and Jesus lives in us, then we should be extraordinarily, supernaturally, loving the people around us. Our love, our LIFE, will not only read out differently, it'll flat out BE different. And people won't help but notice that difference (Matt. 5:14).
I want to be different. I want to stand out. I'm tired of blending in. I'm tired of thinking all the trivial stuff matters (2 Peter 3:11-12), and I'm done with living like it does. I'm sick of this rationalistic person I've become. God's changing me...and it hurts, it hurts more than I ever thought it would. But the One I gave my heart to hasn't let me go, and He's WORTH IT ALL. He's worth MY all. Every minute of every day.( 1 Corinth. 2:12, 10:31-33).
Wow. I can't wait for Heaven.
----1 thess. 4:17-18
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)