There’s so much that’s confusing right now. So much I feel and don’t feel. Connected but…disconnected too. Here and not here. Did the last 2 months really happen? It all feels so strange.
Saying goodbye to my team is proving to be an overload…and I’m finding myself so detached. Wow, all this sounds so emo. Saying bye is hard, but I don’t think its hit me yet.
Today we ended up at a hotel by the airport, ended up taking a 3hr nap, which was NOT the plan. I hope I can sleep tonight.
We met with the other 2 month teams, and it was weird seeing them too, reminded me of training camp. People had scars and cuts and bug bites, messy hair (for the most part), and tired faces. Exhaustion. Some people are ready to leave their teams and return home. Its not hard to understand that. I can’t say I feel the same, because wow, I appreciate my team so much. Yes, there were frustrations, but those all seem to fade when I think about watching them serve in the field. Watching them wipe the tears from children’s faces, bandage burns and injuries…seeing them give their shoes to the child who has none…witnessing them quietly giving their food to the little ones who are so hungry. So yes, frustrations were there, as they were expected to be after 2 months of living together, but those fade in comparison to the way I saw my team become the hands and feet of Jesus.
As we’ve been slowly re-introduced to the American life of luxury, I’ve noticed something.
I don’t miss things as much as I thought I would. There isn’t a sigh of relief over a warm bed, pillows, ac or heat, no burden lifted in the heat of a shower or overwhelming joy in being clean. Why? All the things I “missed” and really learned to appreciate, they’re all just things. Isn’t it obcious? we don’t function off of our availability of things. Things break. they burn. They disentigrate. They lose their value. They eventually, inevitably, become worthless.
That’s why, now that I have free access to all those things, it doesn’t bring me relief or joy or peace. Yes, they are blessings and must be appreciated. But appreciation and fulfillment are 2 different things.
I can appreciate a car with enough room for me to have a seat without being filled with joy about it. I can appreciate my home without being driven by it. I can be thankful for the fast being over, but may have no motivation to jump back into what the Lord told me to give up. Because all these blessings, they all come from the Lord. He gives, in love and He takes, in love. We are blessed by an incredible God. He supplies everything. Its His timing that IS pure perfection; it is His mercy that brings peace to a hurting soul.
So I will choose to be thankful. I will choose to set money aside that I don’t need, to give. I will choose to be a servant. I will choose to honor God with my time, energy, and choices. I’m realizing what a choice we have – thankfulness or greed. Gratitude or self-entitlement. Life, or death.
This trip, I learned how to play Divine Romance. And this summer, I was romanced by God…like the kid mentioned at the hotel. Its such a weird way to think about it, I guess. But I understand it. It makes so much sense. Every star, sunrise, laugh, smile, odd “coincidence”, opportunity, and experience; every disaster that was strangely avoided, all of these – they are God’s way of directing us to Him. Each answered prayer, every hand I held, every story and all that we saw came because of God’s love for US. He loves us so greatly that He gives, and gives and gives – even the little things we never realize. He gives, and only sometimes gets the praise for it.
..........
No comments:
Post a Comment